Issue 110: Goodbye New Year's Resolutions! Let's Cultivate the Pause

For a long time I have resisted New Year’s resolutions…and nothing has changed! In this issue I present a case for an alternate path. Let me know what you think!

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Here we are in the third week of January, and a lot of people are beginning to struggle with their New Year’s resolutions. The dictionary definition of a resolution is: “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Such firm stances can be hard to maintain. They take so much energy, and too often the firm stance doesn’t meet the root contributors to the things you want to be different.

Virtually every resolution somehow is related to food choices or lifestyle. “This year I’m going to eat fewer sweets and more vegetables!” or “I’m not going to sit on the sofa all weekend!” or (shudder) “I’m starting a diet!” It might be, “I’m going to clean up my office and keep it that way!” or “Less time on screens!” Or important medical resolutions, like bringing down one’s A1c or blood pressure.

Now, I’m obviously a big fan of everyone shaping their choices and behaviors to meet their health and wellness goals. After all, that’s my whole job! Still, I don’t go for rigid rules of living. They tend to either create corrosive restriction and deprivation or we honestly just don’t want to do the thing. How can we expect to maintain positive behaviors with such a negative foundation?

Behavior Change is Hard

The truth is obvious to everyone right about now: behavior change is hard. Our habits follow an easy, comfortable routine. We get back to “real life” after the holidays and often floop right back into prior patterns. When we realize it, we might feel deep shame, either because of how we see ourselves or how we think others see us.

Some of us beat ourselves up with some pretty tough language. “Ugh, I can’t do anything right.” “I already messed up, so just forget it. I give up.” And my least favorite (and inaccurate), “I have no discipline.” Being hard on ourselves only makes it worse; it has a cyclical effect of confirming the words we use. We see ourselves as incapable - or worse. We lose self-trust and self-respect, the very cornerstones of successful behaviors.There’s a whole other way to do this.

What if we consider who and how we want to be in the world, and find ways to practice those behaviors bit by bit? What if we tap into our values and authenticity instead of making a “firm decision”?

We CAN create sustainable, lasting, satisfying behaviors that match our vision for ourselves. Our health and wellness will blossom when we align with ourselves using forgiveness, compassion, and love.

Knowledge is Power

Press your two hands flat together and look at them. Imagine the left hand is a trigger for a behavior and the right is your reaction - there’s no space in between. The closer your reaction is to the trigger, the less control you have over it. You lack any choice.

Blending STOP (stop; three deep breaths, observe, proceed), with a basic breath meditation, I built a mindfulness tool for my clients: Cultivate the Pause.

Cultivate the Pause is a practice that makes space between the trigger and the response so that you can make a decision that aligns with your values and your wishes for yourself.

Cultivate the Pause

This is a ‘practice,’ not a ‘perfect.’ I always recommend that nervous system regulation practices, vagus nerve stimulation practices, and any type of meditation are best done first during calm times. You are training your body and mind to respond readily to the practice, so that in the middle of a challenging moment it already knows how to engage quickly to your benefit. It doesn’t take very long when you know how. Once you have the rhythm, you’ll be able to dance anywhere!

Note that the breath work at the start is important. It engages your parasympathetic “rest and digest” nervous system, also known as the relaxation response. It calms the release of stress hormones and clears the brain. It’s what creates the space for what happens during the pause.

• Pause (I prefer a gentle pause over an abrupt stop).
  
• Slowly take three deep breaths. Each time, assure your lungs feel pleasantly stretched and full, then release the breath slowly all the way - especially that last little bit you didn’t realize was there. Then breathe normally, if a little deeper.
  
• Become aware of and observe without judgement your external and internal landscapes.
  
  • What’s happening outside of you? Work, relationship, responsibilities, life changes, finances, time crunch, something in the environment or news …?
    
  • What’s happening inside of you? Energy, functionality (digestion, joints, etc.), pain, hunger, sleep status, fatigue, mood, tightness, tension …?
    
• You now have awareness of your triggers (external and internal environments) and can decide lovingly how you want to proceed.
  
  • Use what you have learned to choose what will support your needs and goals best. What will make you feel most well as you move forward? Which path is both satisfying and aligns with your values and intentions?
    
  • Note that any answer that feels right and is made with love and compassion is the right answer. Truly. You can trust your wise body and mind.
    
• An element of a basic breath meditation is that when the mind wanders, you return with forgiveness, love, and compassion to the focus on breath. The more you practice, the easier the return becomes.
  
  • In the Cultivate the Pause meditation, notice when you wander, and then return to what serves you well - again, and then again, and then again.
    
    

How you proceed is rich with information. Did it work well for you? Would you choose it another time? If not, how might you have done it differently? Or do you see that there are good options depending on your awareness and observations - no two experiences are the same? Could you benefit from external support or expertise?

This is where that important behavior change shapes itself and starts to take hold. You repeatedly choose who and how you want to be. You learn both intellectually and viscerally how to align with your true self. Gradually how you are syncs with who you are.

The behaviors that undermine your best self will be crowded out by ones that feel great. And if there is something after all that you have to change with firm resolution, you will know your purpose and have the support and confidence of all that you have built.

The more you practice, the more your body will intuitively select the pause when there’s a trigger for a behavior.

You don’t have to react using ingrained patterns and with choices that leave you feeling defeated, depleted, and unhappy. In the moment or when you are planning for the future, the pause will give you the space you need to make good decisions - that are right for you - with a clear head.

Instead of resolutions this year, let's Cultivate the Pause.

• Practice awareness, observation, self-forgiveness, gentle self-compassion, and mindful choices.
  
  
• Sustainable change is shaped over time. Allow your values and goals to inform your path.
  
  
• Center love and the space to breathe: these are the seeds of lasting wellness.